Back in America

I realize that I have yet to finish my entries about Jenni's visit to Taiwan and the second part of my weekend in Hong Kong, but I'm feeling the need to start a new topic.

Quite a few people have asked me if I have a blog about my life in the States now and I think "why would I?" Life has gone back to "normal", except it's not really normal at all because everything about my life is new. Time seemed to fly by in Taiwan, but I found that when back home and thinking about the last time I had been in America, it seemed as if it had been so long ago. The last time I was in the States I was graduating from college! And now, here I am, a grad student in yet another new place trying to figure out what exactly it is that I'm supposed to do with my life.

It's important to note that as I'm writing this we're reaching the end of week 14, and week 16 is finals. That means that I'm at the height of the most stressful part of the term. So I suppose this could be a little biased. Still, throughout the term I've been wondering if this is for me. I have wonderful professors and my classes are interesting, but I'm not super excited about devoting my entire life to research at this point. I'm finding that good grades are no longer a strong motivating factor for me in the sense that, while I care about doing my best work, I'm not all amped up to start/complete a particular assignment because in the end I'll have the personal satisfaction of getting an A. The problem with grad school is that there's always work to be done, so even if you've "finished" the work you have to turn in or present on for one day, you're never EVER done. And then there's knowing that it only gets more difficult from here on out.

Here's what I know about myself: I'm a people person. I'm curious. I learn quickly. I'm thoughtful and I like to reflect on things. I do not like picturing myself as a person of authority (intellectually that is). I'm happy to simply be a sponge. Success and feeling good about myself comes in many different forms. Having a really great conversation with someone new, using Chinese to speak with someone I may not otherwise be able to communicate with, doing something nice for someone else, these things bring me a lot of joy. And so does getting comfy, turning on my chili pepper lights, and watching a movie as I fall asleep on the couch at 10pm on any given night when I just feel that that's what I need to do. So you can see why I'm having doubts about my potential to be a great researching mind. I simply enjoy life too much.

I miss Taiwan. It's not quite as heartbreaking as it first was when I had no idea what the hell was going on here (at least now I have a routine), but I still really miss the things I did. I taught kids every day. There were definitely some days when I did not feel like teaching, but I loved that that could all change as soon as I walked in the school that day. I loved feeling invested in them, knowing their strengths and weakness, and feeling like I was making an impact. I loved meeting new friends and practicing Chinese just because I love to. And I even loved my classes that I took just for my own benefit, not even for a degree. I loved having the chance to travel back to Kaohsiung and see my dear friends, or take a weekend and explore another part of the island. I just felt that I was always learning and discovering more.

And the advantages of being in the US? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't like it here. I finally experienced fall again. And being able to drive to the grocery store and get whatever I want to make whatever I want. I was able to make turkey for Thanksgiving (my first time making one ever!) and see snow for the first time in two years. But what has meant the most to me is being able to pick up the phone and call my friends and family whenever I'm thinking about them, whenever I have something to say. I'm so thrilled that I'll be home for Christmas this year and I'll actually get to spend it with my loved ones instead of talking about what we're doing for the holidays on the phone.

But my everyday life? Well, that's a toss up. And I know that life in Taiwan was easier, but I don't think that's why I miss it. Would I want to do exactly the same thing I was doing forever? Well, no. But what if I switched directions and taught ESL at a university there. What if I explored something more permanent?

Well, these are all just thoughts, and I will finish my MA before I move on to anything else. It's still early in the game. I've just been thinking more about what I'm capable of doing/should be doing and what I want to be doing. I have a process: I ask advice from every single person I can think of before I deciding that my own instincts were right all along. So, any advice?